Needless to say, the time after loss is volatile and confusing for most people.
Unresolved issues come to the fore and questions we have not answered must
often be confronted. Along with a sense of abandonment and sorrow, anger
often arises. Most have little understanding of what they are going through,
or what to expect in the future. Facing the unknown can produce additional
fear.
Yet crisis means opportunity. When the process of grief is handled properly
suffering can be diminished and symptoms that may appear later, can be
forestalled. It is even possible for the individual to grow a great deal
during this time and benefit from the experience.
The more we understand what we are going through, the less out of control
we will feel. At a time like this we need meaning and direction. We need
to know what to expect and how to handle the many changes that are
happening.
The Dynamics of Loss and Grief
Each person reacts differently to loss and that is fine. Some feel abandoned,
others feel betrayed and afraid. Some reach out for love and comfort, while
others withdraw, wanting time alone. Some go into denial and seem not to
register the loss that has happened. These individuals are often unconsciously
processing what has happened, not ready to face reality yet. They may fear
they will be overwhelmed if they allow themselves to register what has gone
on. It is best not to pressure a person to react differently. When the individual
is accepted for who they are at the moment, it is easier for them to let
go, and move on. This entire process takes time.
It helps greatly to realize that the pain we go through during grief is normal.
It does not mean there is something wrong with us. We need not feel ashamed
of or afraid of our feelings.
What Happens When We Are Grieving
When we are grieving, interest in the outside world subsides, we slow down,
sleep more, our social activities seem less meaningful. This is not necessarily
bad. An individual may need more time alone. In the process of grieving the
individual is contemplating the nature of their lives, coming to terms with
the person they’ve lost. They may be reviewing that which was left unsaid
or undone.
Grief is usually most difficult when the individual has had troubled or
incomplete relationship. When there have been unsolved conflicts left behind,
this makes it harder to be at peace. Many spend time blaming themselves for
what they did or didn’t do. Others blame doctors, helpers, government
or family members. Casting blame is a way of removing the guilt and sorrow
we feel. The sooner they are able to let go of blame and accusations, the
sooner healing begins.
Let Go Of Blame
Blame, self hate and other forms of anger, are common during grief. Although
it is important not to repress anger and disappointment, it is best to feel
it and then let it go. Some individuals hold onto anger as a way of keeping
connected to the person or situation they have lost. The truth is that anger
always keeps us out of balance. It is a poison to the one who holds onto
it.
Coming To Terms – Steps To Take
Ultimately one must reconcile oneself to what happened. Most people do all
they can to avoid experiencing their feelings or situation directly. Many
fear that if they face their suffering, it will make them feel small and
helpless. Actually, the opposite is true. It’s best not to control or
resist the feelings. When these feelings are not resisted, they simply come
to awareness and then fade away.
Feelings that are repressed come out later in different ways, including various
physical symptoms, phobias and unwanted behaviors. If we do not address our
feelings in one mode, they will appear in another - physically, mentally,
emotionally, spiritually.
Hopefully, we come to a point where forgiveness can take place, (forgiveness
of the person we’ve lost, forgiveness of ourselves, the universe, or
whatever it is we feel anger with). In order to do this, it is deeply helpful
to realize that all of life is temporary. People possessions, situations
are given to us for a short time. As we acknowledge the transitory nature
of life, we can then begin to look deeper and see what it is that we never
lose.
Through acceptance of reality, of oneself and the other, one develops the
power the affirm life, and to grow. One can then give to others, and become
a source of inspiration, and live a life that is meaningful. The discovery
and experience of value and meaning in one’s life and one’s losses
is the most potent healing of all
Below are a couple of exercises that are helpful in coming to terms with
loss and change.
Exercise – Giving Gifts
Make a list of the gifts you received from the person you’ve lost -
the ways they taught and inspired you. Now find ways to give those gifts
to others. As you do so, not only will you be acknowledging what you received
from that person, but honoring their memory and keeping their spirit alive.
Exercise – It Suffices
Whenever you think of the person and the way they fell short, what they
didn’t give you, say to yourself, “It Suffices.” This is in
recognition that they gave all they could, being who they were, and that
you can feel satisfied with what you received. (This is an ancient Buddhist
practice)
Prayer, Silence And Meditation
Of course the deepest sense of healing, peace and security can come from
our connection to a higher power or our higher selves. During the process
of grieving it is very helpful to be able to connect with that which is
ultimately meaningful to you. Our true security comes from discovering a
larger purpose in all that happens, and our ability to trust it..
Cc/author/2005
Discover how to turn a time of loss into one of strength and growth in Dr.
Shoshanna’s new e-book, Journey Through Illness and beyond,
http://www.journeythroughillness.com. Brenda Shoshanna is a psychologist,
working in Manhattan, speaker, relationship expert has offered over 500 workshops
on all aspects of relationships and personal development, including dealing
with illness, change and loss. She is the author of many books including
The Anger Diet, (30 days to Stress Free Living), McMeel,
http://www.theangerdiet.com, and Living by Zen, (Timeless Truths For Everyday
Life), http://www.livingbyzen.com. You can contact her at:
mailto:topspeaker@yahoo.com. or http://www.brendashoshanna.com/.
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